Breaking out the gong in honor of Joe Merf

Breaking out the gong in honor of Joe Merf

Our beloved colleague Joe Murphy, who wrote a slew of side-splitting gong columns over the years, died on this day in 2014.

Every year since, I’ve written a gong column in honor of Joe, who had a 50-year career as a writer, editor, and columnist at The Eagle-Tribune.

We will also dedicate this column to Chuck Barris, the manic host of television’s “The Gong Show,” who died in March.

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I’d gong Untuckit shirts and if this weren’t a family paper I’d share my Untuckit limerick.

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I’d gong all the Ivy League schools who suspend men’s sports the entire season because of some harmless politically incorrect tweet. ... Heck, I’d just gong all the Ivy League schools.

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I’d gong the lightweights who declare that the powerhouse college team could beat the woeful professional team. Sorry Alabama football and Duke basketball fans, woeful pros would drub them.

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I’d gong high schools that don’t do class ranks and colleges that don’t require SATs or ACTs. Um, how do you know if a kid is smart?

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I’d gong ADs who don’t have programs with rosters at games and leagues that don’t send all the local media their all-league teams.

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I’d gong the MVC winter track coaches for whatever pitiful reason they have for having regular-season meets at BU. Unless their goal is to kill high school track, then I’d give them a big high-5 because they are succeeding.

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I’d gong the winning team and the losing team for any double-digit soccer games.

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I’d gong people who joyously proclaim “I got 100!” on Facebook quizzes a 7-year-old would ace.

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You have to gong people who defriend people on Facebook because they voted for another political candidate.

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I’d gong the insufferable “hot takes” that fuel so much of sports radio and cable TV. Stick with thoughtful guests speaking frankly and you’ll have a great show.

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I’d gong MSESPN, formerly known as ESPN.

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I’d gong Tom Brady and his longtime mentor Tom Martinez for some of their crackpot medical theories.

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I’d gong the Division 1 field hockey coaches in New Hampshire for naming a legendarily bloated team. Thirty-two players made the D1 first team. Folks, that’s three teams.

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I’d gong MLB baseball writers for never writing about steroids when obviously we have another epidemic on our hands. Guys, you’re embarrassing yourselves just like the last time.

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I’d gong these TV guys who wear sneakers with their suitcoats. Methinks somebody is getting paid by the sneaker companies.

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I’d gong with the intensity of a hundred suns these soccer academy teams saying players can’t play for their high school teams. Not just soccer, but can’t play any sport.

Who runs these academies, the Karolyis?

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I’d gong coaches who voice pie-in-the-sky hopes of adding talented mystery athletes after practice has already begun. Never happens.

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I’d gong completely unworthy Hall of Fame owners like Jeremy Jacobs and Tom Yawkey. Come to think of it, I’d argue every owner is unworthy.

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I’d gong our Millennial snowflakes and I’d gong my generation for raising such wimps.

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I’d gong the NCAA and NFL for their laughable steroid/PED testing. Sure, those 340-pounders who drop down to 220 a year after they retire are clean as a whistle.

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I’d gong Conor McGregor for whiffing more often in “The Fight of The Century” than I did in Little League.

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I’d gong Floyd Mayweather Jr. for being a contemptible, loathsome human being and the most boring great fighter of all time.

I’d also gong him for being chicken (uh, feathers) for demanding they box with zero MMA skills allowed.

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I’d gong Cory Marcinuk for doing a much better gong column than me. And we’ll both gong ourselves for falling woefully short of the great Joe Merf.

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Follow Michael Muldoon on Twitter at @MullyET.

Source : http://www.eagletribune.com/sports/local_sports/breaking-out-the-gong-in-honor-of-joe-merf/article_ce1e1bd8-6248-5b50-b1b6-226b1d5ffe32.html

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